Wednesday, January 16, 2008

KUCINICH WINS MUNCHKINLAND PRIMARY

FALLING PANDA ALERT:


With 15% of precincts reporting, Falling Panda is ready to declare Congressman Dennis Kucinich the winner of the little noticed Democratic primary in Munchkinland.

Kucinich, who campaigned hard in the state as part of his "Munchkinland strategy", is hoping that the win gives him the momentum necessary to catapult him into contention for the Democratic nomination, now largely considered a two-way battle between Hillary Clinton and "Uncommitted" who had a surprisingly strong showing in Tuesday's Michigan Primary.

Kucinich is considered a "favorite son" of sorts in the area, having been born and raised in Munchkinland before moving to Ohio and beginning his political career.

His father was Munchkinland's Mayor for two terms during the late 30's. He was soundly defeated for a third term after, he called for the creation of a Munchkinland "Department of Peace" in response to several attacks from the Wicked Witch of The West.

Kucinich won nearly 70% of the vote here with 25% going to Mike Gravel and the remaining voters writing in the name of the Munchkinland's popular coroner.

Exit polls show that among voters who were "looking for a candidate who understands the problems of people like them" Kucinich won a whopping 99%.

Many pundits credit his campaign slogans:

"Things Are Looking Up With Kucinich"

and

"Dennis Kucinich. He Can't Reach That Either"


for appealing to Munchkin sensibilities. No word on how it will play in the rest of the country.

Kucinich also had strong support from unions, receiving endorsements from the Lollipop Guild, The Lullaby League and Lenny, the sole Munchkin representative of United Steel Workers Local #315.

By contrast, among voters whose top concern was security from flying monkeys and falling houses, Kucinich only received a 3% of the vote.

Gravel scored a big majority of security voters. This is largely thought to be due to his answer at the Munchkinland debate when he was asked how he would prevent future flying monkey attacks, to which Gravel simply replied, "Monkeys are delicious!" And then began laughing wildly.


This answer was perplexing but most Munchkins found his response far more satisfying than that of Kucinich, who when asked the same question answered:

"Well, if flying monkeys are attacking Munchkinland, it's probably because of something you guys did. I'd just ignore it and hope it goes away."

Despite this, Kucinich sailed to an easy victory in this largely Democratic area where security falls just behind the issues of filling the potholes in the Yellow Brick Road and Oz Warming, on the list of voter concerns.

Kucinich is ready to take the podium and make his victory speech. Let's listen in.

"Thank you Munchkinland."

(Wild Applause)

"Tonight we scored a great victory for the little guy."

(Applause)

"Tonight Munchkinlanders said no to the military industrial complex which targets innocent Oz Munchkins for the benefit of big oil and multi-billion dollar corporations."

(applause)

"Tonight you said no to a culture of fear, that tries to scare up votes by repeatedly reminding you that over 300 Munchkins have been taken by flying monkeys in the past year alone."


(slightly less enthusiastic applause)


"And you said yes to a bunch of crazy ideas, that are not possible and will never be implemented."

(confused mumbling)

"Tonight is a great victory for America. But this is only the beginning. We will ride this wave of enthusiasm and support all the way to South Carolina, then to Florida, through Super Tuesday and all the way to The White House, where I will go up to whoever actually wins the presidency, shake his hand and take a picture of it.
I will then send an autographed copy of it to every single one of you that voted for me."

"So friends, when you look up into the sky and see an object flying towards Munchkinland, don't fear. It's not a house that will flatten you or a monkey that is coming to take your family. It's just me and Shirley MacLaine, in my UFO, which has come to whisk you away to a brighter tomorrow.So fly away with me Munchkinland and together we can build a ladder, to that out of reach cabinet which holds the American dream."


And there you have it folks. Dennis Kucinich is the winner or the 2008 Munchkinland primary and its half-a-delegate.

Stay logged onto Falling Panda for all of the latest on the 2008 presidential race.

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6 comments:

Anonymous said...

How's that economy, Einstein?

What a waste of server space this whole blog is.

Ed said...

Monkey repellent. Clearly your comment section needs monkey repellent.

Anonymous said...

This is hilarious!

The first comment demonstrates what we have known all along--knee jerk liberals have no sense of humor. Complements their lack of good judgment quite nicely.

Very funny, Dan.

Diane said...

First two comments. No sense of humor. If you saw Tina Fey doing this on SNL you would laugh your head off. Maybe you should be a comedy writer.

Shannonymous said...

LOL! I agree- you've always been a funny guy- you could totally get a job as a comedy writer!

Sola Gratia said...

This is hilarious. I cross-posted it on my blog, http://www.mosingsonlife.blogspot.com. I hope you don't mind.