A Naughty Politician's Guide to Love

With the recent discovery of Senator David Vitter's name on a D.C. madam's client list, we are once again faced with the realization that many of our politicians are simply incapable of setting a good example and keeping it in their pants.

Therefore, in order to help our elected officials discern between those aspects of their personal lives which are appropriate and those which are not, I have compiled a list of some of these personal behaviors, along with the name of a politician who has had experiences with the problem.

I have also included a number which measures damage done to a politician for committing the offense.

The scale goes from 0 to 10, with 0 being no damage and 10 meaning that the politician will most likely be forced out of office, have their political aspirations crushed or spend time in prison.



OFFENSE: Getting Divorced Before Running for Office
OFFENDER: Ronald Reagan
DAMAGE: 0







OFFENSE: Getting Divorced While In Office
OFFENDER: Rudy Giuliani
DAMAGE: 2







OFFENSE: Not Getting Divorced While In Office
OFFENDER: John Kerry
DAMAGE: 4







OFFENSE: Having Affair
OFFENDER:Gary Hart
DAMAGE: 6








OFFENSE: Sexual Harassment
OFFENDER: Bill Clinton
DAMAGE: 3








OFFENSE: Sexual Harassment Of House Pages
OFFENDER: Bob Packwood
DAMAGE:8






OFFENSE: Sending Inappropriate E-Mails to Underage House Pages of Same Sex
OFFENDER: Mark Foley
DAMAGE: 10







OFFENSE: Having Affair With Intern
OFFENDER: Bill Clinton
DAMAGE:7






OFFENSE:Killing Intern
OFFENDER:Gary Condit
DAMAGE:10






OFFENSE: Getting Caught With a Prostitute
OFFENDER: David Vitter
DAMAGE: 5







OFFENSE: Getting Caught Smoking Crack With a Prostitute
OFFENDER: Marion Barry
DAMAGE: 10 (Damage Only Temporary)





OFFENSE: Killing Prostitute
OFFENDER: Senator Pat Geary (The Godfather Part II)
DAMAGE:0





OFFENSE: Illegitimate Child
OFFENDER: Jesse Jackson
DAMAGE: 3








OFFENSE: Illegitimate child with black woman
OFFENDER: Strom Thurmond
DAMAGE:8 (But only if You're Alive When It's Discovered)






OFFENSE: Illegitimate Child With Slave Woman
OFFENDER: Thomas Jefferson
DAMAGE: 1800: Not so bad,Today: Much, Much Worse







OFFENSE: Having Attractive Wife
OFFENDER: Fred Thompson
DAMAGE: 3







OFFENSE: Having Ugly Wife
OFFENDER: FDR
DAMAGE: 0








OFFENSE: Having No Wife
OFFENDER: James Buchanan
DAMAGE: 1 (But everyone will think you're gay.)








OFFENSE: Having Many Wives
OFFENDER: Possibly Mitt Romney
DAMAGE: + 10 for each additional wife





Above: Mitt Romney shows a supporter just how many wives he has.




OFFENSE: Coming Out of the Closet
OFFENDER: Jim McGreevy
DAMAGE:9




OFFENSE: Staying In the Closet
OFFENDER: John Edwards
DAMAGE: 0







OFFENSE:Running a Gay Brothel Out of Your Basement
OFFENDER: Barney Frank
DAMAGE: 0 (Apparently)


I hope this has helped.

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