A Message From The President

“Good evening.

This week, while vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard I received a call from DNC chairman Tim Kaine. Chairman Kaine informed me that many congressional Democrats, in addition to many of the folks who supported me in 2008 have become deeply concerned over the fact that so many of the positions I have taken and so many of the policies I have proposed over the past two years are deeply unpopular with an overwhelming majority of Americans.

This was news to me.

Chairman Kaine went on to tell me that most Americans still don’t understand how terrific my health care plan is. Apparently, they are also in favor of Arizona’s new illegal-immigration law and they are not too thrilled about my support for the proposed Mosque at Ground Zero.

I was surprised to say the least. After all, most of the people that I talk to on a daily basis--my old professors from Harvard Law School, my buddies from Hollywood and everyone here in the White House--are in total agreement with me when it comes to these issues. So, I just assumed that the rest of the American public was as well.

I now understand that this is not the case.

But let me be clear. I did not run for this office in order to do things that were popular. I ran for this office to do what I believe is best for the country. That’s why, I have decided to enact a sweeping new legislative agenda over the next two months. This agenda will consist of a series of executive orders and legislative initiatives to be taken up right before the November elections. I understand that these ideas may not be very popular and may, in fact, lead to big losses for my party in the upcoming elections, but I am absolutely sure that the American people will thank me later. Once they stop being so stupid and come to understand what’s good for them.

First, as part of my administrations’ efforts to curb childhood obesity, tomorrow I will sign an executive order that makes it illegal to sell or consume pizza in the United States. All restaurants that serve pizza as well as calzones and Stromboli are to cease serving these items immediately and to replace them with a dish containing beets.

Next, I will work with congress to increase the number of black jellybeans contained in standard jellybean packaging. In recent years Jellybean companies like Jelly Belly and Brachs have lowered the number of black jellybeans in their packages while increasing the numbers of the more brightly colored beans. I understand that they are doing so because the black jellybeans taste bad and no one likes them. But, it is time that the Jellybean companies put jelly bean equality ahead of profits. The Jellybean Reparations Act of 2010 will ensure that at least 50% of every jellybean package sold is made up of black jellybeans.

In October I will personally stump across the country for a bill that was recently proposed by Senator Bernie Sanders and Congresswoman Maxine Waters. Once passed, this bill would order that all puppies and kittens in the United States be immediately euthanized. These family pets will then be replaced with porcupines and electric eels. These new animals will be paid for in full by the federal government. I understand that these actions will upset many Americans, particularly small children. However it is time that we as a nation stopped discriminating against certain animals simply because they are not as cute and cuddly as the ones we are used to or because they are potentially dangerous and could cause severe bodily harm to our loved ones.

For those of you concerned about the potential costs of providing millions of families with porcupines and eels, I assure you that this program will not add one dime to the federal deficit. All of the euthanized puppies and kittens will be sold to immigrants from China, Vietnam and Cambodia who will now finally be able to enjoy the cuisine of their homeland without living in constant fear of being arrested for animal cruelty.

As every parent knows, not all young people can fulfill their dream of becoming a professional sports star. At least not playing a sport that is enjoyed by spectators in this country. That is why, in order to encourage young people to adopt careers playing less popular sports, football will no longer be broadcast on Sundays and will be replaced by soccer. Because let’s face it. If the rest of the world likes it, it must better. Additionally, World Series broadcasts will be replaced by cricket matches and the NBA will be replaced by the WNBA.

Next week I will sign an executive order declaring gay marriage to be not only legal in every state, but also mandatory. All heterosexual couples are to divorce immediately and marry someone of the same sex. The federal government will fund all divorce proceedings and pay for all wedding receptions. Male couples will be automatically registered at Pier 1, female couples at Home Depot. All wedding ceremonies will be officiated by Rip Taylor.

Finally, the following locations will be converted into Mosques:

-Space Mountain
-Cowboys Stadium
-Independence Hall
-All Las Vegas Casinos
-Graceland
-The Oval Office

That last one will be done more as a convenience to myself than the public as a whole.

I understand that many of these changes may cause consternation among an American public that already believes that I’m completely out of touch with the concerns of the average American. Frankly, I just don’t care.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a tee time.

Please direct all questions to my new White House Spokesman, O.J. Simpson.”

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